Riding on the Wheels of Inevitability Will Not Get You Anywhere

I read a recently posted quote from a blogsite I try to follow from time to time (the blog is called Inward/Outward). The quote finally stood out to me today after I re-read it, and it actually convicted me as I was reflecting on how I want to use my time over the next couple months.

Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and persistent work of those willing to be co-workers with God, and without this hard work time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter From Birmingham Jail (April 16, 1963)

I have just returned back to St. Stephen NB after spending ten days with Rose and her family in Saskatchewan. My time with her (which was so great in so many ways) was removed from my regular role and community in St. Stephen allowing me to take a breather, to gain a little perspective and hopefully refresh my attitude as I intern here at the university.

This quote gives a subtle critique of a habit I have: passivity. The criticism seems most applicable to me in my actually acting upon ideas and actions of value and seeing them to fruition. I looked up the definition of passivity:

Passivity
1. the trait of remaining inactive; a lack of initiative
2. submission to others or to outside influences

I often live in the ideal and have pretty good ideas of what I would like to invest myself in, but I find it unfortunately easy to let my idea's be kiboshed by small discouragements - time, inexperience, fear of failure and/or fear of people. It becomes easy to live in a state of engaging only the interest and not the substance of these ideas, to entertain the good ideas but only do what is necessary to get by. This passive submissiveness to my investment in activities of worth not only affect me, but sabatoge my potential for creativity, my ability to be an effective co-worker with God as well as my capacity to be a conduit for positive social change in my local and global community.

It hardly seems that any significant social change in history happened with little effort. Change almost always requires effort, a cost, a sacrifice, either individually or collectively. "Human progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability", and I will venture to say that this is true of individual growth. We do not learn to live until we are actually willing to lay down our lives, even if it is bit by bit.

Filling in Details

It's already February! So its time to begin filling in some details. I feel like I've had either no time to blog or have had writers block! So I'll maybe just begin with questions for myself and answer them.

What am I doing?
I'm currently serving as an intern at St. Stephen's University within the realm of student life. My role is geared towards actively investing my time and abilities to create spaces for students to connect spiritually, academically and relationally. This takes form in fairly ordinary ways via chapels, gym nights, small groups, community conversations, one-on-ones, and generally coming alongside students to participate and engage with them in their time at university. And part of my role is actually putting me in positions where I can be personally challenged to grow as well. As a student at SSU, one is challenged to think and to engage with the world around them. This intern position is to be an extension of what an SSU student goes through. I get the chance to participate in an academic and spiritual community which takes faith and living life well seriously. I get to be challenged to use my strengths and to confront my weaknesses. For example, I'm not one to jump up to take initiative with enthusiasm (those who know me, feel free to laugh in agreement). I love engaging with people, being able to be real with them but often lack the impetus to take initiative which can create new and different ways of doing this. So I guess this internship role is perfect in being able to challenge me in that.

How does all of this actually play out?
The intern position is part-time right now so only about half of my week is designated to formal and informal time spent in my internship role. Because of this I have needed to look for some outside work and have landed a spot on a local construction crew which gives me one day of work a week. I have also recently taken a Teacher's Assistant position in two history classes here at SSU. Depending on students and activities, I'm actually putting hours into my internship just about any day and any hour of the week; this, paired with living on campus has made me realize the need to have some boundaries and places where I can feel like I have life outside of the university and student life - which I believe is necessary for personal and mental health! But... I haven't yet found the balance.

How am I doing? a self-assessment.
This is a bit of a loaded question right now, but one I think I need to ask myself and be fairly open about. As far as my role as intern, I think I am actually doing quite well. I see myself in process, learning better how to be open and real and engaging with students each week. And honestly, this is something I would want anywhere I found myself working or being, not just this internship. But I think I get to encounter different situations being in this role, in this place. For example, some students are in an international studies program and this semester these students have been required to create a variety of forums for engagement in things they are learning. One group is partnering with an inter-faith dialogue that will be happening in this area. Another group is hosting a "Glocal Symposium" to create awareness and participation in global and local (hence "Glocal") issues and initiatives that are important to this community and the worldwide community. I get to participate with students as these events unfold and help things happen where I can. Just being involved in these types of activities allow me to engage with students AND the community AND the world around me. So good.

Another example is just being part of students processing through their life and their faith as they make it their own. I realize more and more that I often think that because I am in a particular "role" then I am the one with something to offer. But I'm finding that in so many of my conversations I have recieved just as much or more than I have "given". It's been amazing.

I've been reading a book called The Powers That Be by theologian Walter Wink. In it he discusses systems of dominance in society and the effects of such systems as well as Jesus' interaction with the social systems of his time. He highlighted one point that stuck out to me: the implications behind Jesus washing his disciples feet. Wink points out that in Jewish society during Jesus' time, washing feet was so lowly that a master could not make a Jewish slave to wash someone's feet. Yet Jesus, in a position of authority as a teacher (his social role) and as God incarnate, subverted the system: he reversed the teacher-student and master-slave role and began to wash his disciples' feet.

How does this relate to my experience? It's easy to come to a situation with a sense of authority, a sense of "I'll show you how this really works". But man, I have some experience and some knowledge... but don't have it all together! And if Jesus, God incarnate, humbled himself to wash his disciples' feet, whom am I to present myself as teacher or master when I meet or interact with others? So I suppose you could say I've been humbled, I'm becoming more real. My time spent with students has allowed me to see the strengths in others and acknowledge it better. It's also shown me our habit as people to try to have it all together when the truth is, its ok to be broken together, to allow God's grace and redemption to be.

On a different note, but back to the question I started with...
Another thing thats been on my mind lately, and has been affecting my role and my thoughts is the distance and tension I feel being apart from my girlfriend Rosie right now. Rosie stayed in Saskatchawen in January to get some health issues with her thyroid cleared up. She had planned on coming back to St. Stephen soon to find work and be close to friends here at SSU, but two weeks ago they discovered that the nodule attached to her thyroid might be cancerous and so she has had to wait and begin a process which neither of us anticipated. A short time has turned into a long time and a small health issue has turned into a larger one. She has been scheduled for surgery next week. So if you think of it please pray for her, for healing, for strength, wisdom and peace. And I know I would appreciate prayer to, for strength and wisdom and peace as I try to be supportive of her and active in my role here in New Brunswick, a long distance away. We're both trying to see the positives in this, but its been a bit overwhelming at times.

Thanks so much for your love and prayers.

Back, and Forward!

Well, I came back.

I can probably say that in regards to a few things (back to blog... bear with me as I get into writing again), but I mean back to New Brunswick and back to St. Stephen's University.

It would be good to give a brief picture of what my life has been like over the past 5 months.

It was in August that I returned to Three Hills from 2 months of travelling and studying in Europe. By the end of the month I had written my final Europe assignment which meant I was officially finished all of my undergraduate reading and writing. I then spent two weeks travelling through Alberta and BC with my wonderful girlfriend Rosie as we visited family and friends, lovely people who neither of us had seen for a while. It was a great trip catching up with old and new friends and taking in some beautiful scenery (and wonderful hospitality too). In September I followed Rosie back to St. Stephen NB to spend a month closeby before she left for her Asia trip. During that time I helped at the university by setting up the classroom space for the students travelling to Asia. Before travelling to Asia, the students go through a four week intensive which requires them to be in almost 6 hrs of classes from Monday to Friday. Each day I would make sure the room was ready to be used and that coffee and tea would be made to make tired students happy students, and maybe a little more eager to learn. I also acquired a part-time job at a local Bistro where I served meals and made specialty coffees (which is something I've wanted to learn how to do for a long time!). In October the students left for Southeast Asia and I remained for the next month, working and trying to stay involved in the community. In November, shortly before I returned to Alberta, a few staff, faculty and friends gathered and celebrated with me in a small office at the university as I was handed me my official Bachelor of Arts degree! It was a last minute decision to return to Alberta, but I came back mid November to look after the farm and feed the cows while my parents were away on holidays. Christmas came and went (and it was such a great Christmas with the family!) and now in the New Year I find myself ... living in New Brunswick yet again!

So why am I back? Well, because I consider it a step forward.

In November I was offered the chance to take part in an internship that the University was newly creating, one which would give the opportunity for alumni to continue to be more involved in fostering the spiritual, relational and community life that happens at SSU. As details were worked out and as I prayed and talked to family and friends about the opportunity it became clearer to me that the internship aligned with what has been on my heart to do and maybe more-so what I need to be challenged into doing as well. I decided to take on the opportunity presented in the internship and for the last couple days have been trying to get re-settled and find my place once again in this amazing community. I'm still trying to understand the whats and hows of my role now; its something new to the university and to me as well, but I'm excited to see what unfolds!

I know this update is quite short. I want to write more, fill in some details, but its getting late and I just want to get something out and onto my blog! I'll try to keep you updated as I become more settled into place and into the internship!

Morning Worship

This morning in worship at church I was reminded of a childhood memory. (I've been thinking back to my childhood a lot lately, and have been pulling up, almost redeeming, all of these great memories. Each time I think of one I consider it a favourite, but there is getting to be too many for favourites...!) What triggered my memory this morning was seeing the kids in the few rows ahead of me. They were sitting with their parents, some just beside, some sitting right next to mom or dad, putting their small weight on dad's arm or mom's lap. Then there were the little one's, probably around or under the age of one, just being held close to mom or dad or maybe having been passed to another, spreading the joy and care of the little one.

All this reminded me of my own experiences as a child, being able to be in complete comfort and rest sitting beside my mom or my dad, resting my small body on their presence. Sometimes mom and dad would encourage me to engage and sing, to hold the hymnal or do the actions with the kids songs. Sometimes mom and dad would get me in trouble for acting out or being distracting. Sometimes they would just let me close my eyes and rest on them. Sometimes mom would have some gum for me to chew in her purse, or even better a pad of paper and a pen which I could write on or draw pictures. Sometimes I would play a finger game with dad, the one in which I would try to quickly put my finger under dads thumb and he would try to catch it.

Why did all this come up, why did all of this mean something to me today? This past year its really been on my heart that our morning worship service is corporate, that we are there together as a group of people: we sing together, stand and sit together and the musicians play together. But I often wonder how together we are? And it's not so much a question of are we together, but that I've been feeling like whatever together we have, there should be a little more or to a greater degree. Often I see people raise hands in worship, I do this too sometimes. And yes, as I said we sing together and in a sense raise hands together. But, when the music is playing and we are singing, I more often have the urge to put my arm around the friend beside me and praise God together in joy and friendship... or let my arm be a comfort, of love and solidarity, or sometimes I long for the arm of another to come around me when I'm feel low and dry and broken. I've had this urge over the past two years, but few times do I follow it through, it just seems a bit foreign in the usual ritual of morning worship, to be able to do this casually and naturally.

I guess seeing the kids resting and being with their parents this morning reminded me of this comfort of love I had during worship as a child, and of the longing I've had to be more at one with the people around me during worship. One of my favourite times of my day here at university is before meals, when we all hold hands and have a reading together and then pray together (not your typical university, I know eh?). It's a ritual we all participate in whether we are having a bad day or a good day, whether we listen to the prayer or not. But it brings us together. We are not islands, and even if we sometimes feel like we are, we are still connected by the embrace of the sea.

Meaningful Readings...

I wanted to share some more readings that have been impacting me. There are a bunch of readings here in one go, but each of them, I find, inspires me in the kind of life I would like to live with the people close to me and those I encounter everyday. Again, the readings are taken from Celtic Daily Prayer, and from the Aidan Reading on October 13.

It is your business and other's to go forth, confronting them face to face, for that is the only way of bringing them to Me. For when you are face to face with them, you love them, and once you love them, then I can speak through you.
(From Molchanie, by Catherince de Hueck Doherty)

His love that burns inside me
impels me on the road
to seek for Christ in the stranger's face
or feel the absence of His touch.
('Aidan')

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
(George Eliot)

If your heart is right with my heart,
give me your hand,
the right hand of fellowship,
the right hand of brotherhood.
If your heart is right with my heart,
give me your hand.
(no reference)

I said that this is the kind of life I want to live, the kind of life I long for. Being able to be open and real to the people I meet, to somehow be a representation of goodness to those around me, and to be able to see Christ in the people around me, or to recognize his absence and be part of bringing his presence to wherever I am. But I often feel like I'm not quite there. I'm so much in process. I think it needs to be a process though. It's not something that just happens. It's something that grows inside of us, our attitudes and in our relationships and slowly permeates into the many parts of life. I've been getting excited about the moments when I can sense these desires becoming reality in my everyday, and it seems like these moments have become much more noticable lately.