Morning Worship

This morning in worship at church I was reminded of a childhood memory. (I've been thinking back to my childhood a lot lately, and have been pulling up, almost redeeming, all of these great memories. Each time I think of one I consider it a favourite, but there is getting to be too many for favourites...!) What triggered my memory this morning was seeing the kids in the few rows ahead of me. They were sitting with their parents, some just beside, some sitting right next to mom or dad, putting their small weight on dad's arm or mom's lap. Then there were the little one's, probably around or under the age of one, just being held close to mom or dad or maybe having been passed to another, spreading the joy and care of the little one.

All this reminded me of my own experiences as a child, being able to be in complete comfort and rest sitting beside my mom or my dad, resting my small body on their presence. Sometimes mom and dad would encourage me to engage and sing, to hold the hymnal or do the actions with the kids songs. Sometimes mom and dad would get me in trouble for acting out or being distracting. Sometimes they would just let me close my eyes and rest on them. Sometimes mom would have some gum for me to chew in her purse, or even better a pad of paper and a pen which I could write on or draw pictures. Sometimes I would play a finger game with dad, the one in which I would try to quickly put my finger under dads thumb and he would try to catch it.

Why did all this come up, why did all of this mean something to me today? This past year its really been on my heart that our morning worship service is corporate, that we are there together as a group of people: we sing together, stand and sit together and the musicians play together. But I often wonder how together we are? And it's not so much a question of are we together, but that I've been feeling like whatever together we have, there should be a little more or to a greater degree. Often I see people raise hands in worship, I do this too sometimes. And yes, as I said we sing together and in a sense raise hands together. But, when the music is playing and we are singing, I more often have the urge to put my arm around the friend beside me and praise God together in joy and friendship... or let my arm be a comfort, of love and solidarity, or sometimes I long for the arm of another to come around me when I'm feel low and dry and broken. I've had this urge over the past two years, but few times do I follow it through, it just seems a bit foreign in the usual ritual of morning worship, to be able to do this casually and naturally.

I guess seeing the kids resting and being with their parents this morning reminded me of this comfort of love I had during worship as a child, and of the longing I've had to be more at one with the people around me during worship. One of my favourite times of my day here at university is before meals, when we all hold hands and have a reading together and then pray together (not your typical university, I know eh?). It's a ritual we all participate in whether we are having a bad day or a good day, whether we listen to the prayer or not. But it brings us together. We are not islands, and even if we sometimes feel like we are, we are still connected by the embrace of the sea.

Meaningful Readings...

I wanted to share some more readings that have been impacting me. There are a bunch of readings here in one go, but each of them, I find, inspires me in the kind of life I would like to live with the people close to me and those I encounter everyday. Again, the readings are taken from Celtic Daily Prayer, and from the Aidan Reading on October 13.

It is your business and other's to go forth, confronting them face to face, for that is the only way of bringing them to Me. For when you are face to face with them, you love them, and once you love them, then I can speak through you.
(From Molchanie, by Catherince de Hueck Doherty)

His love that burns inside me
impels me on the road
to seek for Christ in the stranger's face
or feel the absence of His touch.
('Aidan')

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
(George Eliot)

If your heart is right with my heart,
give me your hand,
the right hand of fellowship,
the right hand of brotherhood.
If your heart is right with my heart,
give me your hand.
(no reference)

I said that this is the kind of life I want to live, the kind of life I long for. Being able to be open and real to the people I meet, to somehow be a representation of goodness to those around me, and to be able to see Christ in the people around me, or to recognize his absence and be part of bringing his presence to wherever I am. But I often feel like I'm not quite there. I'm so much in process. I think it needs to be a process though. It's not something that just happens. It's something that grows inside of us, our attitudes and in our relationships and slowly permeates into the many parts of life. I've been getting excited about the moments when I can sense these desires becoming reality in my everyday, and it seems like these moments have become much more noticable lately.

Highs and Lows

I don't usually summarize my days. But I think need to tonight to be able to come to terms with it. Today was an amazing day. One of those kind that I can look back on and play the "highs and lows" game with sensing a great deal of weight in each the highs and lows. It started out with my morning class in my professors living room. Meeting every Tuesday morning, with a great book to discuss and an amazing group to discuss with has been constantly a highlight to my week. The course is called "Contemporary Themes in Religion and Culture" and is an in depth look into the important interplay between the church and the ideas of postmodernism. This class constantly moves me. We watched a short film clip called "The Butterfly Circus". I think more people should watch it. It's simple, well done, and as we discussed in class, presents two ways in which the Christian Church can function in our world.
This afternoon I lead a short time of worship for chapel, which really isn't that notable except for how much I actually enjoyed leading it. Later, I sat outside and read in the sun... in February! I had a sleeping bag and was sitting under a veranda with the sun beaming right on me, but it was the best place to be at that moment.
This evening a group of us students involved in drama went to a local nursing home to give a casual performance. Being there and singing was fun, but as we were leaving a few of us stopped to chat with some of the seniors, I think this was the best part aside from just being able to be there.
Aside from these things, being with friends throughout the day was an immense blessing and at times really difficult. Not because my friends were difficult, but just walking through difficult times with others and recognizing the strugglees in my own life. I'm not going to describe the lows. But they are there for me to remember. I think I need to give them more acknowledgement today, for whatever reason. Maybe so that I remember that real days come with highs and lows.

I was taking some much needed time for myself this morning and realized how meaningful a few readings have been to me over the past year. Maybe more often than I would like, I find myself in a state where I feel mentally and emotionally crippled. And often this state has come about because I have spread myself too thin across too many situations or too many people. I thought it would be good to put a few readings that have meant a lot to me as I reread them when I take the occasionaly quiet time I need.


Taken from Celtic Daily Prayer, Aiden Readings, December 22

His thoughts said:

My longing is to heal the broken and the weak, to defend the maimed, and to lead the blind to the sight of the glory of the Lord. My choice is to be a corn of wheat and fall into the ground and die. Then why these waverings?

His Father said:

Too much of your surface is exposed to the breath of every wind that blows. You must learn to dwell deep.

And the son who had wavered answered humbly,

Renew within me a settled spirit.
Establish me with Your directing Spirit.
My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed.
I will sing and give praise.

~ Amy Carmichael